by Devin McCue, Sumner Newscow — Happy Friday. It’s been a sorrowful week filled with sadness and mourning as we remember the passing of her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II…just kidding; that’s Britain’s problem! Unlike Canada, we meant it when we broke up with our former dictator, so we don’t have to change all our money because some colonizer died.

More on the Queen later, but first, television’s biggest night came on Monday in the form of the 74th Primetime Emmy Awards.

The Emmys are always a step down from their big brother, the Oscars, but it makes up for that lack of prestige with the sheer level of content it awards. No matter how much tv you watched in the last 12 months, there’s simply no way to watch every program nominated. This is why most winners are fairly predictable and underwhelming.

And that sad realization is why it’s no surprise the Apple TV show, Ted Lasso, took home the lion’s share of awards Monday night, including Outstanding Comedy Series.

Don’t get me wrong. Ted Lasso is a fine show that makes people feel warm and cozy inside Jason Sudeikis’ bad accent and luscious mustache. But season two was a major letdown from the previous year and had no business winning over powerhouse programs like Abbot Elementary and Barry.

Sudeikis also jumped over Donald Glover, Bill Hader, and Steve Martin to steal the best actor in a comedy series, completing the Ted Lasso domination of the night. Fortunately, it wasn’t all bland fanservice Monday night, and a few stars managed to shine through.

Perhaps the biggest surprise came in the Outstanding Competition Program category (not least the surprise of learning that category existed) when Lizzo nabbed the golden statue. Lizzo’s reality show, Lizzo’s Watch Out for the Big Grrrl’s, had a wildly popular first season on Amazon Prime. The judges deemed it better than familiar category favorites like the Amazing Race, the Voice, and RuPaul’s Drag Race.

The show follows 13 women as they compete for a shot on Lizzo’s dance team, which doesn’t exactly sound exciting. Where some shows would branch off into catty “Dance Mom’s” territory, Watch Out for the Big Grrrl’s retains a Great British Bake-Off sense of comradery and support from all contestants. It’s just what you’d expect from the Queen of Positivity herself.

Another shining moment of the evening came when Sheryl Lee Ralph got on stage to accept her Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Role in a Comedy Series. Sheryl waltzed into the winner’s circle for her performance as Mrs. Howard in ABC’s Abbot Elementary, but it’s her acceptance speech that she’ll be remembered for after Monday.

She crushed a solo from Dianne Reeves’ “Endangered Species,” then carried the rest of her speech on that same rhythm. It was an excellent performance, and if there were an award for Outstanding Award Acceptance Speech, she’d have left the theatre with more than one trophy in her purse.

Someone who wouldn’t have won the newfound Award Acceptance Speech trophy was Abbot Elementary’s creator, writer, and star, Quinta Brunson, but through no fault of hers. Quinta strutted up the stairs to accept her award for Outstanding Writing (only the second Black woman ever to win that category), where she was met with a “passed out” Jimmy Kimmel.

Kimmel was doing a bit where he acted drunk while presenting the award but missed the memo that timing is the most important thing in a comedy routine. He laid at Brunson’s feet for the duration of her speech and sucked any gravitas she’d had wanted to bring.

For the record, Quinta wasn’t too bothered by the routine, and Jimmy apologized for the fiasco. Still, I wish this wouldn’t have been the story because the story should’ve been: “Quinta Brunson has arrived at the upper echelon of Comedy Writers in network television.”

Abbot Elementary is easily the best show to hit a network since Modern Family. If it weren’t for slightly underwhelming white dudes like Ted Lasso and Jimmy Kimmel, that would be the only message we learned on Monday night.

The only thing I’d like to mention this week is the death of 96-year-old Queen Elizabeth.

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t care about the Royal Family and obviously, most of you don’t either (see Sumner Newscow poll here), and if any of you do, then I’m not sure you learned the lessons in history class. On top of that, I’m Irish, so I technically have a historical beef with the British monarchy. But none of that matters because this funeral is doing a wonderful thing for the world:

It’s showing just how insane England’s laws are to accommodate their overpaid mascots.

Since the Queen died, the English government announced that traffic would shut down, and nearly all chain businesses would shutter. Even hospitals would close for the funeral leaving an untold body count waiting. The government hasn’t even released an expected bill for the venture since the last royal funeral was 20 years ago, wasn’t for a presiding ruler, and still cost around $4 million.

This funeral will be pricey, ostentatious, and inconvenient for British citizens, which spells bad news for a monarchy. The insanely unpopular Prince Charles now heads it (not calling him King), and the country has an active cost of living crisis.

If I were a betting man, I’d wager history books will mark Liz’s death as the final straw before Britain cut the racist, costly, royal albatross from around its neck.

Meme of the week

I, unfortunately, can’t look at every meme that dominates the internet every week, so if you see a meme and think it should be the meme of the week please send it to: SumnerCultureCow@gmail.com

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If, on the other hand, you’d like to read more from me head over to my blog, MouthfulofTeeth.com where you’ll find my favorite CultureCow articles and my other writing on politics, fiction, and anything else you’d like to read.

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