by Devin McCue, Sumner Newscow — Happy Friday. Last week, the Washington Football Team announced that they would permanently change their name to the Commanders. That’s an especially terrible name for a number of reasons, but at least it isn’t a literal slur anymore.

The name also fits in a long tradition for all DC sports franchises not often talked about: All DC teams have terrible names.

As a current Washingtonian, I feel it’s my duty to bring this issue up to a wider audience and invite more people to make fun of my city’s unfortunate luck. Not all names are equally terrible, but all are bad, so I think we should count down the 10 worst names in DC sports.

#10: Washington Justice

Most of you have probably never heard of the Washington Justice. They’re the official DC competitive Overwatch team, which is an extremely popular e-sport with dozens of fans and hundreds of dollars on the line.

Just because nobody watches them or cares if they win doesn’t mean they couldn’t pick a terrible name though. And like most DC teams they went with something vaguely patriotic sounding without caring too much about the context.

This will be a common theme throughout the list.

#9: Mystics

The Mystics, DC’s (Championship winning) WNBA team, is the superior magic-themed sports franchise in DC.

Just like their NBA equivalent, there isn’t much reason behind a magical moniker. DC doesn’t have any special relation to the mystic arts and I’ve never seen a practicing magician on the street in the last few years.

I’ll take a nonsense name over something unnecessarily patriotic, but it’s still terrible.

#8: Wizards

The only reason the NBA team is called the Wizards is that their former name was the Bullets.

They changed the name in 1995 because the former nickname had violent undertones and seemed uncouth considering the number of assassination attempts and homicides in DC in the 1990s. Personally, calling a team “Gun Violence” seems way more reflective of the real America than the Nationals, Justice, or United.

#7: Capitals

The coolest looking of the “Big 4” sports franchises, but an underwhelming name, nonetheless. We all understand that the hockey team is in the capital of the USA, but we learned that from the “Washington, DC” part of the name, there wasn’t any need to elaborate.

This would be the same as calling teams the New York “Big Apples” or the Houston “Worst City in Americas.”

#6: DC United

Get it? like the United (States of America).

#5: Commanders

Now, for the new home team.

Who are they commanding? Certainly not the NFL, nor even their terrible division. People are also going to call them “the Commies,” which I’m sure they didn’t want.

Worst of all, it has absolutely nothing to do with Washington, DC except that the Pentagon is near here (it’s actually in Virginia). I’m okay with names that have nothing to do with the team’s locality, as long as they aren’t trying to appear local in the same sentence.

That’s why you won’t see Howard Bison on this list. Sure, it doesn’t have anything to do with DC, but it isn’t trying to be. It’s just a good name (I might also be biased towards it because I’m a Kansan).

#4: Georgetown Hoyas

Without looking it up, do you know what Georgetown’s mascot is called the Hoya? Of course, you don’t, because we don’t learn Latin in school anymore.

Hoya is short for Hoya Saxa, a cheer that the student body yells, which translates to “what rocks.” That doesn’t make it any clearer what actually does rock, nor why that makes any sense as a mascot, but Georgetown’s kept the name for over 200 years.

Sometimes tradition is just as stupid as it sounds.

#3: Nationals

Read the above explanation for the Capitals. The only reason this one ranks so much worse is because “Nats” isn’t nearly as cool as “Caps” for shorthand.

The Nationals also gets confusing because the team is in the National League in the MLB. So, sometimes the Nationals will compete in the National League for the National League championship before competing on the National stage for the #1 spot in the Nation.

#2: George Washington University Colonials

You’d think with a name directly tied to colonialism, I’d crown this the worst sports team in DC, but I promise there is still one worse offender.

But just because one other franchise is worse doesn’t make this nickname any less abhorrent. Why would any school in the nation want to draw attention to the way most of our ancestors got their land? If you’re okay with “colonials,” then you shouldn’t have a problem with being called the GW Genociders or the GW Thieves.

The US has done some terrible things in its history, but at least there aren’t any universities calling themselves the Enslavers.

#1: American University Eagles

American University sounds like a fake school used to educate villains in Russian movies, but I assure you it’s a real place.

Despite already having the corniest name in America, the school doubled down with the lamest mascot to boot. They’re essentially the American Eagle Flag Ronald Reagans, and it’s so cringey to claim them as fellow Washingtonians.

They also seem oblivious to the fact that that name was already taken by a clothing store for smelly teenagers and the somehow worse version of American Airline jets.

Even though the American Eagles are the dumbest mascots in DC, I’m glad they’re here. Because no matter how terrible the next name the Commanders pick when they get tired of the jokes, there will always be someone to look down on.

Meme of the week

I, unfortunately, can’t look at every meme that dominates the internet every week, so if you see a meme and think it should be the meme of the week please send it to: SumnerCultureCow@gmail.com

If you disagree with my analysis, have a grievance or any other complaint please visit here

If, on the other hand, you’d like to read more from me head over to my blog, MouthfulofTeeth.com where you’ll find my favorite CultureCow articles and my other writing on politics, fiction, and anything else you’d like to read.

Follow us on Facebook.

Follow us on Twitter.